I have nothing to wear

I have been known to cry this most mornings…..but the truth is that’s rubbish I have loads of clothes – i love fashion, I love dressing up and over my lifetime I have spent enough money on clothes to make up the equivalent of a downpayment on a second home.

The truth is more as Caitlin Moran said ‘when a woman says she has nothing to wear she is really saying is there is noting here for who I want to be today.’

So as an attempt to define who I want to be today, and also to fall in love again with the many clothes I already have in my wardrobe and stop my eBay obsession РI have challenged myself to wear a different outfit each day.  Trying to not fall into the terrible habit I have of just throwing on the same old uniform for work each morning.

Of course the bloody unpredictable weather of the UK is making this a little harder – It is now June and I feel I should live in floppy skirts and sandals, but the rain and wind-chill factor means that I desperately still want to pull out the old faithful 60 denier tights.!

So here are the results of my first week….more to follow, I am already beginning to panic at the extra planning this experiment might have piled on me!

Week 1

Week 1

Day 1: Peter Pilotto Skirt from Target

Day 2: DVF Dress (EBay find)

Day 3: J Crew Skirt & Gap

Day 4: Mango Skirt and blouse

Day 5: Gap Jeans & Day Birger et Mikkelson Shirt

Getting Angry

Anger is a normal human emotion. ¬†But its one that i have never been that good at dealing with. ¬†I’m just not an angry person, I would even go as far as saying that I find anger a bit embarrassing to witness.

This is odd considering I live in one of the angriest pasts of the country – I live in the centre of TOWIE country. ¬†And if you have ever seen an episode you will understand that this part of Essex / East London is full of people who’s default setting is angry. ¬†And its loud, f-bomb filled anger. ¬†Get a parking space someone else wanted – angry, have the lights turn red as you pull up – angry, not get a parcel delivered on time – angry.

A perfect example was a few weeks ago on Mothers Day. ¬†We had booked a large table for all of us to go to a local pub / bar for Mothers Day Sunday lunch. ¬†The Pub was over-filled, to the extent that the bar area had been cleared and tables placed there. ¬†But there was no more staff to deal with the extra tables. ¬†When we had waited an hour, had not been given menus and had to go to the bar ourselves to get drinks as no one had come over to help us, It started to get silly. ¬†When we eventually ordered, 2 starters came up wrong and 1 was inedible and my sisters Mother In-law sent it back. It was then nearly another hour before our main courses arrived – you try to keep 2 little people who are hungry entertained in a civilised manner in a packed restaurant! ¬†When my dinner arrived it was horrible, the vegetables were solid and cold and the roast beef was stringy and horrid. ¬†So I asked to see the manager. ¬†When he came over I managed to say these few words….. ‘I am so unhappy’, what I got in return was a full-bared double barrelled unleash of TOWIE anger. ¬†HIS oven had broken down, HIS reputation was on the line, What did I expect HIM to do. ¬†It was full on, and at the moment I could have easily responded with anger to match his, but instead I looked him in the eye, lowered my voice and said needless, none of this was my families fault and we will not pay for this.

We walked away, and I did not get angry.

But it has made me think, what would it take for me to get angry.?

I have had hold of the shitty end of the stick for a long while now, but I have yet to express any anger.  And I suppose Im wondering if maybe the TOWIE lot have got it right?  Maybe I need to get in touch with my inner rage machine and really let loose on a red light somewhere outside Sugarhut?

A new perspective

This weekend has been spent applying a new perspective on things that have been right under my nose.

I started practical – re-organising the play room. ¬†The play room was once the lounge. – Our gown-up room to escape to from the toys. ¬†But when R left, it felt too big a room to sit in on my own, and silly to not give the biggest room over to the girls and the mountains of plastic things they own. ¬†The problem is that when we decorated the room we were not planning for it to accommodate so many boxes of toys, and so it has been a bit higgled-piggldy and hasn’t really worked.

But a new perspective and a quick trip to ikea and we have a much better functioning room, boxes for toys and a fantastic hat-stand which now holds up the incredibly array of dressing up clothes they have.

Then (because my life is this crazy) I tackled the freezer! Yup pure rock n roll, but so unbelievably satisfying.  I now have way more food options to give the girls other than fish fingers and feel more in control than i have in a long while.

Finally it was my wardrobe, a degree of weight-loss, and a need to see myself in a new light, meant i pillaged my wardrobe to see if those things I have owned for ages can be seen and constructed together in a new light to make me step out each morning with a bit more of a spring in my step.

It was all very cathartic and I am hoping that a practical reassessment of the things in my life will have an impact on my emotional and mental view on my life.  Maybe when I wake up I will be able to see things in a new positive perspective

Eadie Turns 4

I seriously don’t know how it happened, but my baby is suddenly no longer a baby – but instead well on her way to being a proper big girl.

This weekend I threw her a Pony Party Рthe theme was My Little Pony Рand I prayed for the sun to shine.  (My house is not that large).  Unfortunately we dodged in between downpours, but even so I managed to entertain 12 children and 16 adults for the afternoon.

We turned the playroom into a disco party, with a balloon forest, a disco ball and a carefully crafted playlist.  The lounge was the face painting station, and the kitchen was the place where all adults end up at a party, where I fed and watered grown-ups.


Food was BBQ sausages and burgers, Pulled Pork (surprisingly delicious – the key seems to be a can of coke in the pot to keep it moist!), salad and the centre piece birthday cake.

I was utterly exhausted – but so unbelievably proud of getting through the day and making sure that Eadie and Bella had a brilliant time.

The weekend carried on playing with presents, dressing up, and having tea with nanny and grandad.


Happy Birthday little E – I am very proud to be your mummy.


Wine Wednesday….and urmmmmm Saturday too.

I am very conscious that what was meant to be a diary of things I do with B & E, is swiftly becoming a record of the number of cocktails I have poured down my neck with various friends.

The truth is I have been out more in the first four months of this year than I did in the whole of 2013.  A fact that is quite telling in itself.  Its also true that my friends have been fantastic insisting I am not alone when the girls are staying at their dads and generally organising it between them to make sure I am having a good as time as is possible.  The truth is my bank balance cannot keep up this level of social life, but right now screw-it I need a few giggles in my life.

Also seeing as I have discovered the only diet that has ever worked for me ‘the misery diet’, arranging for me to eat and drink is not really doing me any harm at the moment.

So last week I had a double helping of social activity.  Wednesday was spent with the girls at work at Jackson Rye

A great central Soho location, with good everyday food and a great cocktail list (at very reasonable prices considering the location) and super friendly staff.

I stuffed my face with Ham and Eggs and we worked our way through quite a few of the cocktails on the list.

Its nice to go out with the girls from work, they have been such a rock for me РI spend more time with them than anyone else right now, but equally we never really get a chance to talk properly.  Also it was quite nice for my life not to dominate the conversation РI could find out what they have been up to, what was going on in their lives and try to be a friend that gives, not just one that takes and takes.

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The second night out was with another work friend (but now at a different agency)

She dragged me into Hackney because she had been given a recommendation of a great restaurant (we dressed it up as it is her birthday next week and I can’t go to her party – so this was a little pre-birthday bash – or convenient excuse if you would rather)

Now seeing as I have just discussed how I have been going out (cough) quite a lot recently, Mr Buckleys was a proper treat.  The food here is so very very good Рand considering my new expert status in restaurant eating that should be seen as a strong recommendation.

It is a bit of a local favourite considering how busy it was when we arrived, but it is clear to see why – the pot of prawns we had to start was mouth wateringly delicious (it will probably contribute to my early death from all the butter but I will die happy), the chicken was a treat and the fudge served with your coffee is the stuff that will definitely have you coming back for more.

We got quite tipsy, in that way that just leaves mini-cab driver looking at you as if you are from another planet, and I went to bed full and very grateful for my life being full of wonderful friends.



A Birthday Party for Auntie Katie

May is a busy ¬†month for us for Birthdays, and to kick off the celebrations we started with Auntie Katie’s birthday.

The girls came home from their dads early this morning and wanted to bake.  So we started filling the house with wonderful smells of chocolate mud-cakes and banana bread.

The girls were unusually keen to lick the spoon – and then they told me they had not had breakfast! (So cake mix for breakfast then! – Healthy !!!)

We wrapped the presents and put up the banners and then waited for mayhem to descend (Mayhem is also known as Henry my 15 month old nephew).  We managed to get everyone up the table and eating at the same time and then sang happy birthday to Katie.

Obviously we had made 2 cakes so everyone wanted double helpings (More cake! – Fruit and veg for the rest of the week then!)

But the girls danced their helpings off by performing a artistic rendition of a ballet performance (I don’t hold out for the Royal Ballet to come knocking on my door).





The day I cried at work

I’m sure it was bound to happen one day, and that day was yesterday.

It was my annual review, something that always makes me a bit nervous, spending an hour just talking about myself is not something I really revel in.  And it was a good review, good feedback, lots of congratulations on my successes, but obviously it came with the other side of the coin.  The things they want you to think about for the future.

The first tear fell, when the anonymous feedback pointed out that my ‘usual happy demeanour had been reduced recently’ my bosses acknowledged that was to be expected given my ‘personal circumstances’, but still it was a little knock to my battered armour.

And then there was the killer question – what are your future ambitions? What do you see for yourself in the future?

And that was when the floodgates opened. Because what does my future hold?  I thought I knew what was in my future, I thought I knew who was in my future, and the questioned floored me.

Of course once I started I couldn’t stop, it was like the washer on a leaky tap had broken and my eyes streamed and streamed. ¬†To the extent that someone on the tube gave me their seat – I must have looked such a state!

Maybe a little bulb wasn’t the end of the world. I have had a tough year, and goodness knows what the future holds but there is one thing that is certain. ¬†I don’t have to spend an hour talking about myself for at least another year.

Forget Romeo & Juliet I want Love like you see on Gogglebox

Ever falling in love again seems like a very distant concept right now, but even so I can’t help day-dreaming what it might be like one day. And whilst daydreaming it struck me I don’t want a great romance that I see in films and read about in books, I want the kind of Love I see on Gogglebox.

Every Friday I sit down to what is definitely the best thing on TV. A full hour of watching real people watching TV (I know odd), but it is a wonderful sneak behind the collective lounge curtains of the UK.  And you learn what real people think and do, and most importantly for me how real people LOVE.

Its not huge romantic gestures, instead its cups of tea made (in the special cup), a chocolate biscuit treat bought especially for the other person; honest admiration and respect when their partner gets a question right on University Challenge or Mastermind: drinking a Martini and sitting at opposite ends of the sofa but still stretching across to hold hands throughout the programme; Jokes & laughter; and a tear and a look when the show evokes emotion;

Leon & June I want Love and laughter like yours.



Wine Wednesdays

So one of the advantages of writing a list of things I want to do is that when a friend says where shall we meet?  I have a ready made list of venues ready and waiting to choose from.

With such a long list to choose from we played pot-luck and tried out Chotto Matte

You know you are getting old when the first conversation of the evening is ‘what did this restaurant used to be?’ – We concluded it was probably Quaglinos, but Soho changes on a minute by minute basis so we could have been wrong.

The restaurant is really good fun, a huge bar downstairs selling killer cocktails, and then ¬†never ending (it seems) series of floors above serving up Peruvian – Japanese food. Im not a foodie expert but I am not really sure of the Peruvian influencers, unless they are just ‘make everything delicious’ influences.

The portions are generous, so much so that the recommended portion of 4-5 per person is way too much unless you are super hungry.  It is quite expensive and I think more likely 3 per person with 1 or 2 chucked in for the table for good measure is more like it.

We had a brilliant evening, gossiping and catching up on our lives.  And made a date to do it again really soon.